I Am A Servant

I've recently been wondering what to do with the rest of my life. There are plenty of folks offering me suggestions, which I do appreciate, but I also know when the answer comes it's going to come from within.

When I lost Sara and Miranda, I was fortunate to work for an employer who allowed me to use the Family Medical Leave Act to take a few months off work to begin the healing process. It was a very beneficial time for me. Not having to worry about work allowed me to let grief do it's dirty work without having to worry about maintaining my composure for significant part of the day. It let me give in to grief's vicious nature, allowing myself to be chewed up, spit out, and chewed up again, and again, and again. I could cry when I needed to cry, yell when I needed to yell, curl up in a ball when I need to curl up, and hurt when I needed to hurt. A lot of people who live through a loss of that magnitude don't have that opportunity (or worse, aren't informed that they may legally be entitled to it) and, for some, they wouldn't want it; there are those who might find more comfort in immersing themselves back in their work (although I would tend to agree with most grief specialists that that is actually a grief avoidance choice...but that's neither here nor there.)

I went back to work about 5 months after the accident. It was good to be back, doing what I was good at doing, enjoying the company of some great co-workers, and getting back into "the groove" of things. However, it only took a couple of months for me to realize my heart just wasn't in it...the things that had previously "turned my crank" held no motivation or satisfaction for me. Leaving my job wasn't easy, but it was something that I knew in my heart was the best thing for me and for the organization. I could have stayed and just gone through the motions. Many of the people I provided support to may have never known...but, I would have...and I just don't think I could have endured that.

That was nine months ago. While there have been a few people, very few, who have been overly critical of me taking this time off, most of my family and close friends have been very understanding about how important it has been to me to be a relatively free spirit during since that time. I've been involved in some pretty high stress work environments over the past 15 years. That alone can seriously harm a persons emotional and psychological well being if it's not managed well and, to be honest, I had not been managing that stress well in the years prior to the accident. When that is added to the loss of a spouse and child, the impact can be overwhelming...I was overwhelmed.

I went out for my not-so-daily walk this evening and, in the course of normal events, popped my headphones in and started listening to the iTunes genius playlist I built a couple of weeks ago based on the song Why Should The Father Bother, by Petra. Of all the genius playlists I've built, this one seems to have more songs that I love than any of the others. It's a keeper. As I was getting into my last mile, I Am A Servant, by Larry Norman, came on. It got me thinking about this whole work thing and trying to figure out how I want to address it. Do I need to attack it aggressively? Do I need to just sit back and wait for something to come along that sparks my passion? What to do? What to do?

I am a servant, I am listening for my name,
I sit here waiting, I've been looking at the game
That I've been playing, and I've been staying much the same
When you are lonely, you're the only one to blame.

I am a servant, I am waiting for the call,
I've been unfaithful, so I sit here in the hall.
How can you use me when I've never given all,
How can you choose me when you know I'd quickly fall.

So you feed my soul and you make me grow,
And you let me know you love me.
And I'm worthless now, but I've made a vow,
I will humbly bow before thee.
O please use me, I am lonely.

I am a servant getting ready for my part,
There's been a change, a rearrangement in my heart.
At last I'm learning, there's no returning once I start.
To live's a privilege, to love is such an art
But I need your help to start,
O please purify my heart, I am your servant

I went through some counseling last month, it was something I should have done a while ago...better late than never. During one of my sessions, I mentioned that I'd been feeling a little pressure, both internal and external, to jump back into the "rat race." My only problem is I haven't come across that spark, that passion, the thing that is going to be good for me, good for those around me, and good for those for whom I am working. After hearing me out, the Godly couple I was working with provided me with the reassurance that when I was ready, God would provide what I was looking for, what I need, what He needs me to do. Beyond that, I should just seek His heart. Tonight, this song was a great confirmation for me that waiting is OK, patience IS a virtue. and it's OK to want it, long for it, even if I don't know what "it" is.

Over the past few weeks, as I've contemplated my next path, I have realized that I may need to open myself up to ideas and things that I may not have considered before. Maybe I won't just get a new job. Maybe I'll end up finding a whole new career. Maybe I'm right where God needs/wants me. Maybe all he wants me to do is write my blog. Can I learn to be content with that? Is there someone, somewhere, someday, who will read these things I've written and find their own spark, or be drawn closer to Him...just because I waited? I am a servant...waiting for the call.

Abba, I come to you in brokenness. I offer myself to you to be used in whatever way you need. Help me to sit, and listen for your call, to listen for the Master's voice. Purify my heart, I am your servant.