Finally Home

Genius surprised me tonight. I had it build me a playlist based on the Newsboys version of Mighty to Save. I put the playlist on shuffle as I headed out the door for my walk...and ended up not recognizing most of the songs I heard. Some were slightly familiar, a couple were very familiar, but I don't recall hearing most of them before (that's not to say I hadn't, I just don't remember it.)

However, I try to keep an open mind and I told myself to listen to the music, listen to the words, and listen to the message:

"Everybody falls sometimes. Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes and make a new beginning…life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way, if you keep believing."
What Faith Can Do - Cutlass

"Remember, Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan's power, when we were gone astray."
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Mercy Me


"You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."
You Are More - Tenth Avenue North


"You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You lift us up on wings like eagles. Our God, You reign forever. Our hope, our strong deliverer. You are the everlasting God."
Everlasting God - Jeremy Camp

"You speak with thunder and lightning, your voice shakes the mountains, the foundations of the earth. All I can offer is this fragile breath; with each one I'll praise You, with each one I'll praise You more."
This Fragile Breath - Todd Agnew

Those are just a few of the lyrics that jumped out at me, reminding me of the gift, the love, the grace, and the strength that are offered to me every minute of every day all because God became man and took on the sin of the world. These songs often help me peel back 2,000 years of human interpretation, doctrine, and get down to the core of what Jesus was really about.

As much as I was enjoying some "new" music,  He saved the best for last, the song I needed to hear the most:

"There's so much I want to say. There's so much I want you to know. When I finally make it home when I finally make it home.

Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King. Frozen in my steps and all the questions that I swore I would ask…words just won't come yet. So amazed at what I've seen; so much more than this old mind can hold…When I finally make it home when I finally make it home.

And the sweetest sound these ears have yet to hear, the voices of the angels. When I finally make it home when I finally make it home."
Finally Home - MercyMe

Bart Millard wrote the song song about his dad, but the message rings true for many of us. Tonight, it reminded me that it's OK...acceptable...to look forward to that day. I don't have to feel bad about wanting to be there. About wanting to see my wife and daughter again. Even if God blesses me with someone new between now and then...I don't have to give up that dream, that hope. It also reminded me that as great as that reunion will be, I can't begin to comprehend what it will be like to stand before the throne, to be in the presence of the one true God. I can't pretend to know what it will be like to hear the angels sing. I can guess...but that's all it is...a guess.

Father, I offer my brokenness to you today. As you reveal yourself to me in new and fresh ways, help me keep my eyes on the throne, help me live in such a way that Heaven is here today, not just something to look forward to.

In Christ Alone

I listened to church today. I watched it, too. I just wasn't there. I was sitting at home, in my comfy recliner...if I told you why, it would just be one of those TMI moments that's better left just not happening. It was good to join in worship, even if I wasn't there.

In the past year and half, I've often found myself crying at church during the praise and worship time. Not bawling my eyes out, just tears as the truth of Christ's love touches my heart and soul. One of the songs that gets me every time is In Christ Alone. It was written a decade ago, by Stuart Townsend and Keith Getty, but recently took on new life thanks to Owl City and several other contemporary artists who have covered it.

In Christ alone, my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My comforter, my all-in-all

Here in the love of Christ I stand

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me


For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death


This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand


'Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

'Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

A good friend gave me a CD not long after Sara and Miranda's funeral. This song was one of the tracks he'd included. It's impact on me hasn't changed since I first listened to it on that CD. The message is complex, yet simple. It's complete, it tells the whole story. When I need, He gives. Through everything I and my family have been through, Christ hasn't changed. His gift hasn't changed. His love hasn't changed. His power hasn't changed. His message hasn't changed. His purpose hasn't changed. His story hasn't changed. His truth hasn't changed. His offer hasn't changed. His promise hasn't changed. The END hasn't changed. He will return. He will take me, us, to be with Him.

He is Solid. He is The Cornerstone. He is the Light. He is Victory. He is Fearless. He is Peace. He is Power. He is Savior. He is Mine and I am His...why wouldn't I want to stand in that?

In his sermon today, Pastor Adam Davidson talked about Christ being our anchor. There have been many days since February 5, 2011, when it felt like all I had...when I didn't understand it, when all I had was the question "why?"...was the anchor to hold onto. Holding fast in the storm, eyes closed, fingers gripped tightly, to the anchor.

Jesus, I am broken, but yours. I offer you my brokenness on this day. Thank you for truth. Thank you for love. Thank you for forgiveness. Thank you for being everything for me that I can not be on my own.

Love

Hmmmmm...I'm sensing some themes here in my life rearranged...

I listened to my iTunes Genius playlist again while out walking tonight. I feel blessed to have had a computer randomly select such a great group of songs for me to listen to; although, I guess it's hard to call it random, if it were random where would the "genius" aspect of it come in? I've actually created two more Genius playlist and plan on rotating through them over the coming weeks...I might even create more. I'm crossing my fingers that the strength of the first one I made wasn't just a fluke; I guess time will tell.

The playlist stretched my walk out to 5+ miles again tonight. To be honest, I could walk a lot longer with that music playing; however, I'd end up with bloodied and blistered stumps at the end of my legs. I'm already feeling a little extra "wear" from going over 5 miles for the second straight night. The playlist is also giving me something to look forward to, which is the motivation that I'm finding works best for me...it's not about exercising and the walking, it's about the music. :)

Early on in tonight's walk, I caught myself thinking about some of the more recent hurts in my life and I was "rehearsing" the speeches that I'd like to give to the responsible parties, even though I know I have no intention of ever giving them. It sucks when you have that moment of realization that you're doing the very thing that you've been asking God to help you NOT do. It's embarrassing, even if I'm the only one who knew I was doing it (of course, God knew I was doing it but that's just a given, right?) So, there I am, on my emotional knees, even while my physical ones are pushing me around the apartment complex, giving those things to God...again. I think forgiveness is going to be a long road, but I am happy to say that I didn't spend a lot of time beating myself up for it, which I think is a step in the right direction.

It wasn't long after this that tonight's song came on...Love, by Petra:

Love is patient, love is kind

No eyes of envy, true love is blind

Love is humble, it knows no pride

No selfish motive hidden inside

Love is gentle, makes no demands

Despite all wrong, true live still stands

Love is holy, love is pure

It lasts forever, it will endure

(Chorus)

Love knows when to let go

Love knows when to say no

Love grows in the light of the Son

And love shows the world that the Son of Love has come

Love is loyal, believes the best

It loves the truth, love stands the test

Love is God sent in His Son

Love forgives all we have done

In this world where hatred seems to grow

True love goes against the flow

And becomes so hard to show

In this world where push turns to shove

We have strength to rise above

Through the power of His love

Lord, we need to know the power of Your love

The song is taken quite directly from 1 Corintians 13, one of the more famous passages from the Bible. Famous enough that even many non-believers are familiar with it; after all, it's quoted in about 99.99% of wedding's that happen in a church. Not that there's a problem with that. The message is certainly a good one for married couples to consider as a core part of their relationship.

Tonight though, the song got me thinking about Love Wins, by Rob Bell...yeah...that book that caused a huge uproar in the Christian community not that long ago. I just read it last week. I didn't get involved in the hoopla when it first came out. First, I hadn't read it. I hadn't read anything by Rob Bell. I didn't feel qualified to jump into the fray (although I'm under the impression that that didn't stop many people.) Second, I had some other, more important, things I was dealing with in my life at that time. Now that I've read it, I think that it was much ado about nothing. He spent seven chapters "poking the bear," asking difficult and though provoking questions, before he finally got to what really mattered...Love Wins!

This song reminded me that when Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthians, he wasn't writing a wedding sermon. He was essentially chastising members of the church there who had forgotten what their new found faith was really about. They were arguing about things about which Paul felt compelled to say, "Hey! Listen up! That stuff's not as important as you think it is! In the end, the thing that matters most is LOVE! Love wins!" And really, when you look at all the things love IS...is it any wonder?

Lord, I come to you in brokenness, seeking your love. Fill me with it, teach it to me, ingrain it in me in such a way that those I come in contact with will have no choice but to understand that love wins.

Trifecta...

Tonight's blog post is brought to you by not one, not two, but THREE great songs...

I tried something new today...and was very pleased with the results. Those of you familiar with iTunes may know it has the "Genius" function built into it. Genius can do several things. It can suggest songs you might like in the iTunes music store, based on songs in your library. It can also build a playlist for you, from the music in your library, based on one song. This second feature is what I tried. I built a playlist based on the song Why Should the Father Bother, by Petra. In addition to a few other great Petra tracks, it also pulled out some of the best from The Imperials, Keith Green, Larry Norman, Phil Keaggy, Steve Taylor, Margaret Becker, Michael W. Smith, and David Meece.

Saying that I was pleased with the results is actually a bit of an understatement. I liked the playlist so much I doubled the length of my walk out to 5 miles...and I'm glad I did, because it was the last 3 songs I heard that bring me to my keyboard: How Many Times (Seventy Times Seven) by White Heart; To Forgive, by Steve Taylor; Solomon's Shoes, by Margaret Becker.

I've recently become aware (in a very new and real way) that I need to work on forgiveness as part of my walk with Christ. I've been hanging on to hurt, sometimes for a long time, that simply steals my lunch (emotionally speaking...no one...and I repeat, no one, literally steals my lunch.) It's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for my relationships, and it's not what God wants for me. But it's hard...really hard. It doesn't make it any easier knowing that other people probably struggle with it as much as I do. Forgiveness is at the core of God's grace, and He wants us to experience it in such a way that we are compelled to offer it to those who hurt us.

I think part of what makes forgiveness so hard is that we're often trained, as growing Christians, to do it wrong. We're taught that forgiveness is forgetting about the wrong that was done to you. Letting it go. Getting over it. Moving on. Treating it as if it never happened. It's true that when it comes to our forgiveness, that's how God does it...He has to...it's what He does. However, we're not God. We're human. We're broken. When God offers His forgiveness He CAN forgive and forget...He's God. It doesn't happen like that for us. It's OK for us to admit, and acknowledge that we've been hurt. It's OK to have an emotional, feeling, response to that. It's OK to struggle with letting it go:

How many times,

Must I stand in the waves 

Of this crashing sea?

How many times,

Must I forgive all the hurt

That's been done to me?

Let the jury go, set the sinner free

Oh-oh-oh

Seventy times seven

When Peter asks Jesus about forgiveness, the answer is very telling about God's understanding of us...and how we have a hard time letting things, especially our pain and hurt, go. The great part about forgiveness is that Jesus offers us the lead, He's the role model, He stands there waiting to help us, if we'll let Him:

Follow his lead

Let the madness recede

When we shatter the cycle of pain

Oh, we will live to forgive

Come find release

Go make your peace

I saw a Man

With a hole in His hand

Who could offer the miracle cure

Oh, He said live, I forgive

(Oh, He said live, I forgive)

Jesus offers us a cure! He offers us healing, we just have to follow the prescription. It's important, as we move through the process of forgiveness (the cure) to realize that we may not see the results overnight. When was the last time you had to get a prescription for something and everything was all better after you took the first dose? Seriously, we have no problem understanding that it takes time for our bodies to heal, yet we rarely give our hearts the time they need. We fight healing. I fight healing.

The last song I heard didn't have much to do with forgiveness. It was a reminder though, a reminder that forgiveness can take time, and I really need to forgive myself more. I need to stop getting mad at myself when I forget and let some of that past hurt and pain steal my lunch:

Solomon was the wisest man 

But I guess not wise enough 

He forgot the Blesser 

When the blessing were too much 

Now I know I swing with Solomon 

Between the left and right 

How I wish that I could find a place 

Where I'd be satisfied 

(Don't wanna deny You, don't wanna turn from You) 

After all, Solomon was the wisest man in the Bible...but he still screwed up. He forgot. As I listened to that last song, especially after the message of the previous two, I could hear God whispering to me, "Son, listen, you've got to lighten up on yourself. Don't hold yourself to a higher standard than I do. It's ok, really. Just give it to me. I'll take care of it. Give yourself more time, let me do my thing."

Father, I come to you in brokenness. You now my heart, who I need to forgive. When anger and bitterness start to steal my lunch, please remind me about the holes in Jesus' hands. Help me offer those hurts and pains to Him, to you, and to continue down this path of forgiveness.

Yes I Will

What a great night for a walk! I'm starting to like getting my exercise in after the sun goes down. Not sure if that's the best time of day for it, but it seems to suit me well. I enjoy the dark and the peace and quiet that comes with it. There's plenty of lighting along my route, but it's not overwhelmingly bright; so, it's not like I feel unsafe being out at night. Of course, I'm six foot six and have a "full frame"...not sure if I've ever really felt "unsafe" at night.

The best part of exercise is that it's putting me back in touch with some of the over 19,000 songs in my iTunes library. I've got a few playlists that I like to shuffle through and I find myself constantly saying, "what a great song! I forgot I had that in my library."

As I hustled around the apartment complex tonight, Bryan Duncan's Yes I Will popped up in my playlist. It's a song from the late 90's, which was probably the last time I consistently listened to a Christian radio station prior to February, 2011. I don't remember the last time I heard this song, but I'm glad I heard it tonight.

The message is pretty simple and straight forward. It's a conversation that's far too familiar for Christians; the father of lies says, "You're not special. You don't matter. You'll never make a difference." Our response is....?

Admittedly, all too often, we, or at least I, have respond to those lies with, "you're probably right." As I listened tonight, I was reminded that that's not how God feels about me. My Father says, "You are special. You do matter. You can/will make a difference." God's love allows me to shout back, "Yes I am, yes I do, and yes, sir, yes I will!"

I don't remember if Yes I Will was a huge hit. I remember hearing it on the radio, but it was 14 years ago, so...all that matters is that it was a "hit" tonight.

Father, I bring my brokenness to you. As I grow in your love, help me respond to the lies that can't stand up to your truth...the lie that I'm not special, the lie that I don't matter, the lie that I won't make a difference...with the consistent affirmation that, "Yes, I am! Yes, I do! Yes, sir, yes, I will!"

Zoe Jane

I took a road trip today (150 miles round trip counts as a road trip, right?) to share a good meal with an old friend I hadn't seen in a few months. The time on the road gave me a 3 hour window for listening to some of my favorite tunes. There was a time, not long ago when the radio in my car was always on talk radio...usually sports...or it wasn't on at all. That changed about a year a half ago. I got up one morning, left the house, and when I got in the car I turned the radio to a local Christian radio station. I haven't listened to talk radio more than a few times since then.

On my way home, somewhere around Ann Arbor, Zoe Jane came up in the playlist. It's a secular song...yes, I listen to secular music, too...by the group Staind. Theology aside, it's a song that touches me at my core. The writer shows a longing for a daughter he's not going to see often enough. I know that feeling. I understand that longing in a way even he probably doesn't.

I want to hold you,
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured.
I want to show you,
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you.
I'll always love you,
The way that a father should love his daughter.

The chorus takes me back to the night I held Miranda and said goodbye to her. So much brokenness, so much hurt, yet so much peace...I'm thankful for the 3 days I had with her, but all I wanted was to hold her forever, in that moment. Reflecting on this reminds me of how much the Father wants to do the same for me. He wants to hold me, protect me, show me the things that he has in store for me, and love me the way no earthly father can love his son.

Father's Day is coming...my second one without her. I do realize that where she's at is so much better than here, she's with The Father; but, the ache in my heart still cries out, "I want to hold you...I'll always love you, the way that a father should love his daughter."

God, thank you for the promise of your unfailing love. I offer my brokenness to you. I offer you the longing of my heart. May it be filled with your love.

Before the Throne of God Above

I went for a walk at 10:30PM this evening (yesterday, actually, since my clock is telling me it's after midnight.) The day was hot, over 90 out, so I waited until the sun had set before even thinking about going out. I probably could have walked earlier and been fine; it was only about 30% humidity when the temperature peaked, a rare condition here in Michigan...dry heat. Of course, that's neither here nor there...

I listen to the music on my iPhone when I walk. It's about the only time I listen to music on my phone. The rest of the time it's pretty much just a phone, or a map, or a book, or a camera, or...well, you get the idea. Tonight I was listening to Chris Rice's Peace Like A River: The Hymns Project. Some people like rock and roll when they exercise, other's like pop, others like hip-hop...I lean more towards praise and worship. Work the body, work the soul. Two birds, one stone.

As I entered the final few hundred yards of my walk, the last song of the album came on...Before the Throne of God Above. It was written 149 years ago, by Charitie Lees Smith, and was originally titled The Advocate. I almost didn't make it home. The powerful lyrics swept over me, nearly bringing me to my knees right there on the sidewalk outside of my apartment. I hate it when a song does that to me...I love it when a song brings me to that place.

You see, I've been struggling a lot since I lost Sara and Miranda. Not just with grief, but with God. You see, I want to make sure I get there, I want to make sure I make it to that glorious reunion; the time when all things are made new. My problem has always been handing control of my life over to Him.

I recently listened to a message from John Lynch, of TrueFaced, and learned that my focus has been on the wrong type of living, the wrong type of giving Him control. I've been trying to live a life of pleasing God, instead of living a life of trusting Him. There's not room here for me to explain the message in whole, but it really boils down to the fact that trusting God IS pleasing God. Living a life of trying to please Him usually ends in failure and frustration. Living a life of trusting in Him leads to a life of grace, and grace is where I need to spend more time living. John and his buddies wrote a book about it...guess I should give it a read, you might want to, too. Trusting Him means living as He sees me, with nothing but love. It means standing WITH Him, beside Him, to work on my issues TOGETHER. You see, I CAN'T fix myself, but I know someone who can:

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in Heaven He stands,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace!
One in Himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God.

Abba, Jesus, Father...today I volunteer for brokenness. Stand beside me, let me feel you standing beside me, looking at this life rearranged. Help me trust you more a little each day, for you are my path to pleasing God. I can not please Him on my own...ever. You stand in my place, covering me with grace, undeserved, freely given.