Where There Is Faith

It's 10:25PM...

My head is pounding...

There's a crack in the pad of my left foot down by my pinky toe...

My right pinky toe feels like it has a blister...

I weighed 3/4 of a pound more this morning than I did yesterday...

Why can't I just pray the fat away...gaining weight certainly didn't seem hard...why is losing it...

It was 100 degrees today...

It's still 83 and the humidity is up in the "miserable" range...

I know I need to get out there and go for a walk...but I DON'T WANNA!

It's 10:30PM...

Socks on...shoes on...shorts on...playlist Genius 04 shuffle...ready...set...go...

It's 10:40PM...

Ugh...none of this music is really inspiring me tonight...keep walking...

It's 10:50PM....

I hate this weather....

It's 11:00PM...

He's My Son, by Mark Shultz, plays...hmmm...that's a touching song...the plaintive cry of a man wondering if God is listening to his heartfelt prayer...I've been there...I understand...

...but I'm still really not in the mood for all this...

It's 11:10PM...

Where there is faith
There is a voice calling, keep walking
You’re not alone in this world
Where there is faith
There is a peace like a child sleeping
Hope everlasting in he who is able to
Bear every burden, to heal every hurt in my heart
It is a wonderful, powerful place
Where there is faith

...OK...I get it...faith...maybe my real problem today is...me...maybe I've spent the past couple days focused more on what I want than trusting in Him...Where There Is Faith...

It's 11:24PM...

Only a little bit more....

I'll never know why
Why you did what you did
You didn't have to die
But you did
You hung on the cross
So that I wouldn't be lost
You took my place
Now You're pleading my case
You didn't have to do it
Oh, but I'm glad you did
You didn't have to do it
But I'm glad you did

You didn't have to suffer
You didn't have to give your life
You could have come down from the cross
But you chose to die
You said "Father forgive them
For they know not what they do"
An when they pierced Your side
You just hung bled and died

You didn't have to come down
From the Father's side
But because of Your love for me
You made the sacrifice
You knew no sin
But became sin for me
An all who believe
Can live eternally

You didn't have to do it
But I'm glad you did
You could have come down from the cross
Then my soul would be lost
But You chose to stay
And Your love made a way

...sigh...truth...You Didn't Have To Do It...but I'm glad you did...

It's 11:30PM...

Attitude adjusted...

Abba, I come to you, a broken offering. My problems are not bigger than You. My wants, my desires, pale in comparison to what You want for me. Help my heart seek Your truth.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Makin' your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
The people are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna go where people know
The people are all the same
You wanna go where everybody knows your name

The TV was on earlier today. I'd been watching some random show, it got over, I got up and started working around the house, but left the TV on...a few minutes later this familiar song came floating through the air. Cheers was the first show I ever remember being allowed to stay up and watch. It started at 9:00PM, which was normally bed time. The theme song, Where Everybody Knows Your Name, by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo, has been running through my head all day. From the first few moments after that opening phrase made it to my ears, I've been thinking about how the desire to just be accepted, to find someplace where people just enjoy letting us be us, is so strong. Why did God make us that way? Do we do enough, as Christians, to reach out to each other in a way that makes the rest of the world want to find what we have, or what we're supposed to have?

On my walk tonight, Homesick, by MercyMe, played about 2/3 of the way through my walk. It immediately turned my thoughts back to that desire, the desire to find a place where we "belong." It's another one of the group's great songs addressing the grief that we all will experience in some way, shape, or form over the course of our lives. But tonight it was more than that for me. It was a look into the desire for acceptance. Where do most of us feel accepted? Home. Even those who may not have had the best of childhoods typically have some place they call "home," some place where they know they can just be themselves without worrying about impressing people or being judged for their failings, great and small.

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Are we all just a little homesick? Deep down some place inside, maybe even some place we don't know about or recognize? Is that the driving desire for acceptance? A feeling that there's some place else, some place better, some place where there will be no judgement once we arrive? I don't have all the answers, that's for sure. Mostly just questions.

Abba, I bring you my brokenness and place it at your feet. In those moments, the ones when I feel an overwhelming need to be accepted, I ask that you remind me that you accept me and want to bring me to you and a place where acceptance is no longer a concern.

Breathe

Have you ever taken a deep breath, only to realize it was all you needed to turn things around, be it your attitude, your perspective, or your entire day? It happens to me on a pretty regular basis. There's something about a deep breath...a really deep breath...that can do something good for your heart and mind.

I spent the past 3 days up at Mackinac City, Michigan, with my extended family on my mom's side. It was great, it always is (we get together every summer for 3 to 4 days, usually for the July 4th weekend.) Of course, it's hard, too. It's a wonderful time with family...but it's also a pungent reminder of what I've lost, what's we've lost. The last two summers have been hard for all of us because this time we enjoy so much is an "in your face" reminder that they are not with us.

Arriving back home is always a little bit of a letdown after a great time away with family. Tonight I needed to breathe, I just didn't know it until I headed out for a walk just before 11:00PM. I popped my ear buds in, started up the Music app on my iPhone, selected the My Favorites (Christian) playlist and hit Shuffle...

Take my sorrow and my sin

I will run into Your arms again

Hold me Father

Once again my tears are dried

By your perfect love that's river-wide

Over-flowing

As I stand on its bank

With my arms overhead

I am overcome

As I breathe

The air of Heaven

Drawing in Your fragrance

When I breathe

I feel Your fullness come alive

Inside of me

You're the breath that I breathe

Covered by the evening sky

I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies

Deep inside me

A silent whisper in my mind

Sweet surrender to Your love divine

Peace enfolding

In the stillness I empty my soul

And Your presence flows

As I breathe

The air of Heaven

Drawing in Your fragrance

When I breathe

I feel Your fullness come alive

Inside of me

You're the breath that I breathe

It's taking hold

It's second nature when I

Savor...

When I Savor...

You

As I breathe

...and Leigh Nash, of Sixpence None The Richer, led me right into what I needed...to just breathe. When trouble comes, in any form, I want to remind myself to breathe...breathe in the love of Christ...the scent of Heaven...the breath of God. Tonight, as I took that deep breath, I couldn't help but feel like He was there, standing beside me, walking beside me, offering me His strength, and whispering to me, "it's OK, buddy, I've got this. Just trust me, I'll lead you home."

Why is something so simple as a breath so hard to do sometimes? After all, we breathe all day long, regardless of whether we think about it or not, it's truly second nature, it's automatic; yet, it's still not enough. We need to pause and take that breath in a new way, one that reminds us about what's important and where we're headed.

God, I come to you in my brokenness, seeking your breath. Breathe the scent of Heaven into me, that I might savor your love in a fresh way today.

First world problems...

So, I'm thinking I might expand a little on what this blog gets for content. I had originally been playing off the musical aspects of notes and rearrangement and only planned to write about songs that caused me to think, or reflect, in some way of significance (well, at least significant to me.) However, I'm trying to be a multifaceted individual in my life and I asked myself why I'd want to be so limiting in expressing what moves me and gives me pause in this life? So, I'm expanding a bit; I've decided that it will be OK to post quotes/notes about things I'm reading, and how those, also, cause me to think and/or reevaluate the things that are important to me or going on in my life. I'm telling you this as if you actually had have input into deciding what I'm going to write about here...so goes life.

I read a whole book from cover to cover today. To be fair, it wasn't hard. It was Drops Like Stars, by Rob Bell. It's a beautiful book, literally; the pages are just as much about graphic design and telling the story through imagery as they are about the select choice of words printed on them. It's a book about suffering. In typical Rob Bell fashion, he seems to expend a lot of energy just trying to provoke the reader to think before offering a story or snippet that explains how he feels about it.

I'm not reading books like this out of curiosity. I truly hope to gain something from them, whether it be knowledge, truth, or just new way to think about an old topic. There was a paragraph that reached out to me, about halfway through the book:

"If we aren't careful, our success and security and abundance can lead to a certain sort of boredom, a numbing predictability, a paralyzing indifference that comes from being too comfortable."

Even after what I have been through in the past two years, I still find myself often "overwhelmed" with first world problems (follow the link, if you're not sure what a first world problem is.) And so I find myself going through mental gymnastics trying to find the balance between "haven't I suffered enough" and "do I need to suffer more" for the Gospel? I don't have an answer to those questions. I'm not really expecting to, not yet; but, I want to make sure I'm asking them. As I'm "struggling" with my first world problems, while acknowledging that I've been through the wringer myself, I guess I'm hoping God always keeps my heart open to the plight of the least of these and those who live with suffering their whole lives. Let's be clear, first world problems aren't suffering, but they are a great example of what we complain and worry about, the trivial issues that "plague" our lives, while children go hungry in our community, while the truly poor, the widowed, and the orphaned sit unnoticed by those of us who call ourselves Christians.

Abba, I come to you in brokenness. Even as I offer you what little I have, I ask that you keep my heart and mind open and aware to the suffering around me.

Trust In Jesus/Who Am I?

I had the privilege of having lunch with a friend today. I love having lunch with friends. It's a great way to enjoy good conversation...mostly because it gives my mouth something to do when I'm trying to listen, thus I don't spend the who conversation interrupting my lunch mate. :) Just like most of my lunches with friends, today was a good day of catching up and finding out what God had been doing in each others lives. There's something refreshing about spending time with a fellow believer who is also experiencing new things in their faith that stretch them and help them grow.

I find that after something like this, I'm in an excellent frame of mind to have a song, or two, cause positive reflection and thought processes in my heart. Somewhere in between lunch and getting back to my apartment, God saw fit to provide me with the experience that I long for. I was tooling along in my car, listening to The Message, without really listening...when Trust In Jesus, by Third Day, came on. It's a song I've heard many times before, but not one that ever really caught my attention or made me think about my faith in a new way.

One of these days we all will stand in judgment for

Every single word that we have spoken

One of these days we all will stand before the Lord

Give a reason for everything we’ve done

And what I’ve done is

Trust in Jesus

My great Deliverer

My strong Defender

The Son of God

I trust in Jesus

Blessed Redeemer

My Lord forever

The Holy One, the Holy One

What are you going to do when your time has come

And your life is done and there’s nothing you can stand on

What will you have to say at the judgment throne

I already know the only thing that I can say I

There’s nothing I can do on my own to find forgiveness

It’s by His grace alone I trust in Jesus

Trust in Jesus

Do you believe we'll all stand in a final judgement? I do. I'm not 100% sure of what that scene will look like, but I know how I envisioned it for me. I can see me, standing before the throne, fumbling for words to explain why I've said the things I've said, why I've done the things I've done, and finding none. It's a depressing vision...however, based on some of the things I've been reading, the conversations I've been having, and some wise counsel I recently received, I heard this song in a whole new light. My vision has changed. Instead of standing there fumbling for words and explanations that will never come...I'm just standing there...and the judge is SMILING at me...SMILING with a loving, warm, tender smile. What I had previously envisioned as a place of condemnation and judgement is now a place of love and warm reception. And you know what...that's what it was supposed to look like from the beginning, I just never really understood it. The reason the judge is smiling is because all He sees...ALL...is Christ. He doesn't see my sin, my failings, my short comings, he just sees the one who died so that I might live!

While my brain and heart were digesting all of this, Who Am I, by Casting Crowns, started playing. Again, another song I've heard more times than I can count, but one that I hadn't yet listened to the real message.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Again, the effect of my recent readings, counsel, and conversations helped the message of this beautiful promise play out in a new way in my heart. How often do I downplay my significance to God? After all, there are nearly 7 billion people on the planet today. Those, plus all who have come before, add up to quite large number of people. How can I be special when I look at myself among those numbers? The truth is...God plays favorites...He's big enough, great enough, and strong enough to get away with it. Each and every one of us is His favorite! His heir! He loves me as if I was the only one! Isn't that what we all want? To feel that special? To feel loved in that way? I know I do.

Abba, I offer you my brokenness. I am humbled to know that you stand in my place, to know that you love me as if I was your only child. 

The Hurt and The Healer

It was two years ago today...

I pulled into the drive through at Culver's for a quick lunch; I was on my way over to Battle Creek for a 3 day conference. As the girl at the window handed me my change, she asked, "Are you a father?" I panicked...how had she heard?! How did she know?! How did this complete stranger know that Sara and I had just found out we were going to have a baby?! How?! How?! How?! Well, it turns out it was Father's Day...she was asking to find out if I qualified for a free scoop of the flavor of the day. When that realization finally settled in, I sheepishly said, "not yet" and pulled forward to wait for my food. I sometimes wonder if that girl remembers that day. If the panic in my heart and head showed on my face, even the slightest bit, I'm sure she was a bit confused by my reaction. It's a good memory...I'm glad I have it...even if the rest of the story is one I'd choose to rewrite.

Today...

I hopped into the car this morning and, as I pulled away from my apartment, The Hurt and The Healer, by MercyMe, started playing on The Message:

Why?

The question that is never far away

The healing doesn't come from the explained

Jesus please don't let this go in vain

You're all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of the weakness we must bow

And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here 

I cried like...well, it's hard to describe...I cried...a lot...hard...painful crying...the first time I heard this song. Saying that the music of Bart Millard and MercyMe has played a role in my grief and healing is classic example of understatement. It's my humble opinion that Bart has a gift from God in writing songs that reach out and touch the grieving in a way I've never felt a songs reach out.

When I heard the song today, it took me back to that day, two years ago, when I was flying high on the news of my impending fatherhood. How excited, how nervous, how wide-eyed and bewildered...how scared...how happy... It's a sharp contrast to other days I've had since then. The days when all I could do was lay on the floor and ask "why?" The days when it felt like breathing was almost too hard. To be honest, I still have those moments. They don't last long, a few minutes, but I have them...I think I'll have them for a long time.

The part of the song that got to me the first time I heard it, the part that still punches me in the gut every time I hear it, is the line, "I'm alive, even though a part of me has died." In those moments when breathing seems like the only thing I can do, those moments when I look to the sky and ask, "why," it's in those moments that I try to remember that I'm alive.

God, I offer myself to you today, all of my brokenness, all of my hurt. Abba, I am alive, breathe your breath into me, hold me close as you breathe your life back into my heart.

Finally Home

Genius surprised me tonight. I had it build me a playlist based on the Newsboys version of Mighty to Save. I put the playlist on shuffle as I headed out the door for my walk...and ended up not recognizing most of the songs I heard. Some were slightly familiar, a couple were very familiar, but I don't recall hearing most of them before (that's not to say I hadn't, I just don't remember it.)

However, I try to keep an open mind and I told myself to listen to the music, listen to the words, and listen to the message:

"Everybody falls sometimes. Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes and make a new beginning…life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way, if you keep believing."
What Faith Can Do - Cutlass

"Remember, Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan's power, when we were gone astray."
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Mercy Me


"You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."
You Are More - Tenth Avenue North


"You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You lift us up on wings like eagles. Our God, You reign forever. Our hope, our strong deliverer. You are the everlasting God."
Everlasting God - Jeremy Camp

"You speak with thunder and lightning, your voice shakes the mountains, the foundations of the earth. All I can offer is this fragile breath; with each one I'll praise You, with each one I'll praise You more."
This Fragile Breath - Todd Agnew

Those are just a few of the lyrics that jumped out at me, reminding me of the gift, the love, the grace, and the strength that are offered to me every minute of every day all because God became man and took on the sin of the world. These songs often help me peel back 2,000 years of human interpretation, doctrine, and get down to the core of what Jesus was really about.

As much as I was enjoying some "new" music,  He saved the best for last, the song I needed to hear the most:

"There's so much I want to say. There's so much I want you to know. When I finally make it home when I finally make it home.

Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King. Frozen in my steps and all the questions that I swore I would ask…words just won't come yet. So amazed at what I've seen; so much more than this old mind can hold…When I finally make it home when I finally make it home.

And the sweetest sound these ears have yet to hear, the voices of the angels. When I finally make it home when I finally make it home."
Finally Home - MercyMe

Bart Millard wrote the song song about his dad, but the message rings true for many of us. Tonight, it reminded me that it's OK...acceptable...to look forward to that day. I don't have to feel bad about wanting to be there. About wanting to see my wife and daughter again. Even if God blesses me with someone new between now and then...I don't have to give up that dream, that hope. It also reminded me that as great as that reunion will be, I can't begin to comprehend what it will be like to stand before the throne, to be in the presence of the one true God. I can't pretend to know what it will be like to hear the angels sing. I can guess...but that's all it is...a guess.

Father, I offer my brokenness to you today. As you reveal yourself to me in new and fresh ways, help me keep my eyes on the throne, help me live in such a way that Heaven is here today, not just something to look forward to.