The Hurt and The Healer

It was two years ago today...

I pulled into the drive through at Culver's for a quick lunch; I was on my way over to Battle Creek for a 3 day conference. As the girl at the window handed me my change, she asked, "Are you a father?" I panicked...how had she heard?! How did she know?! How did this complete stranger know that Sara and I had just found out we were going to have a baby?! How?! How?! How?! Well, it turns out it was Father's Day...she was asking to find out if I qualified for a free scoop of the flavor of the day. When that realization finally settled in, I sheepishly said, "not yet" and pulled forward to wait for my food. I sometimes wonder if that girl remembers that day. If the panic in my heart and head showed on my face, even the slightest bit, I'm sure she was a bit confused by my reaction. It's a good memory...I'm glad I have it...even if the rest of the story is one I'd choose to rewrite.

Today...

I hopped into the car this morning and, as I pulled away from my apartment, The Hurt and The Healer, by MercyMe, started playing on The Message:

Why?

The question that is never far away

The healing doesn't come from the explained

Jesus please don't let this go in vain

You're all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of the weakness we must bow

And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I fall into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here 

I cried like...well, it's hard to describe...I cried...a lot...hard...painful crying...the first time I heard this song. Saying that the music of Bart Millard and MercyMe has played a role in my grief and healing is classic example of understatement. It's my humble opinion that Bart has a gift from God in writing songs that reach out and touch the grieving in a way I've never felt a songs reach out.

When I heard the song today, it took me back to that day, two years ago, when I was flying high on the news of my impending fatherhood. How excited, how nervous, how wide-eyed and bewildered...how scared...how happy... It's a sharp contrast to other days I've had since then. The days when all I could do was lay on the floor and ask "why?" The days when it felt like breathing was almost too hard. To be honest, I still have those moments. They don't last long, a few minutes, but I have them...I think I'll have them for a long time.

The part of the song that got to me the first time I heard it, the part that still punches me in the gut every time I hear it, is the line, "I'm alive, even though a part of me has died." In those moments when breathing seems like the only thing I can do, those moments when I look to the sky and ask, "why," it's in those moments that I try to remember that I'm alive.

God, I offer myself to you today, all of my brokenness, all of my hurt. Abba, I am alive, breathe your breath into me, hold me close as you breathe your life back into my heart.